its been very apparent to me i was a mistake… he must have been thinking one thing she another. somewhere in the middle there came me, a slice of either neither had a taste for. that awkward child between the one girl and one boy they wanted. and me a little if each. with a lot more to teach them than they ever cared to learn about parenting…
so i became troubled and doubled up in inexpression overexpression whatever i was in that day.
they see me walking in the wrong direction
already waved at the crossroads
sex drugs and rock n roll
they could tell i think, when i said
“i want to be remembered for my art”
shoulda burned her books
taken her brushes away
i used to wave the word suicide around like a white flag.
all you can do is move forward.
there’s no point in giving up.
i never heard of a quitter who ever won.
so just get up. and move forward.
forget things if you have to.
bury them deep so all that shows is a bad habit of biting your nails.
or the inhalation of chains of cigarettes.
rearrange your memories.
i hear if you drink heavily.
everything gets blurry anyway.
i can’t remember who i used to be
i hide her skeleton in the closet.
feed her next to nothing
starve her thieving fear
only on bad days do crumbs of doubt
let her speak to me like she used to
i look in the mirror and tell myself i am beautiful
force myself to accept my body as my own
this is me
this is who i am
this is who i am
tell the doubts to go away
that i am beautiful
that things are getting better
because i have made a change
i am strong
i have power
i can control my own life
i pull the strings and they won’t turn into and slither away
unless i give into the skeleton.
tell myself i am worthy of your love
work hard to prove it to myself
tell myself i am worthy of my own love
say i am beautiful
and loving and kind
work hard to prove it to myself.
reach out to those around you
give back to the universe what it has given to you
say thank you
hold the door for strangers
help someone when you see them struggling
love thy neighbor
i see the world in gradients of violet
not indecipherable shades of grey
violet hues speckled with chartruse
and souls burning indigo
kindred spirits scattered across a great vast universe
every inhale in sync
like ticking clocks
like tumbling locks
opening minds like vaults
spilling ourselves out across the dimensions
painting everything with bare feet
collapsing social concepts
until all that’s left is the truth
every atom vibrating across the universe is connected by invisible strings
sending shockwaves through all of time and space
with every action
until you realize “your life is not your own”
but just the cause and effect
of every person you’ve ever met
were all just energy transferring
death is just rebirth into another life
dessicating into dirt
emerging from the soil
or flowing oil
burning into brilliance
stardust in your lungs
the air you breath
the food you eat
developed from supernova explosions
if you ever feel limited remember
you are made of the same elements
as stars burning millions of light years away
you are infinite.
im sitting here thinking
maybe its not about being remembered or being great
maybe its not about the words i write or the sketches i leave
maybe its about long hot days baking beneath sunshine with the best friends i ever had
maybe its empty beer cans and full bushels of apples
maybe its fishing and swimming and hiking
maybe its about all the beautiful memories that wi die with me.
i struggle daily with wanting you to know everything about me, and sharing the things i fear you may not understand.
its scary. not because I’ve been hurt alot in the past but because i know if i ever lost him it would hurt exponentially more than any time before.
also trying to drink at least a gallon of water a day.
i should stop saying i don’t have time to read
i should read more books and less of my twitter feed.
it comes like a tsunami
a tidal wave to wreck the city in my heart
I’ve been building levees to let the failure wash back out
the shame leaves stains in me
more permanent than that of purple beets
pupils dialate and i can’t seem to meet
the eyes of strangers on the street like centrifugal force and gravity keeps me falling hitting like glass ponds shattered by my
the worst part about depression that’s on again off again is that you can never tell if you’re making progress and actually feeling better or if you just had a couple of good days and the second something goes wrong you’ll be right back where you started.
whatever you do,
never let my parents plan my funeral.
they’ll try to put me in box because that’s the way their narrow minds work.
i don’t want to be buried.
i don’t want my body rotting for centuries inside mahogany.
please no embalming fluid no formaldehyde.
put me on a boat set me on fire send me afloat let the air and sea take me back into their hearts as quickly as my body burns.
i just don’t want you to start thinking i suck… i know you’re gonna start thinking i suck here soon… and there’s nothing i can do about it…