when i was sixteen and i discovered this place i thought this can’t be real a whole community of people that also likes to communicate soley in movie and tis show quotes. this had to be too good to be true.
i feel like if i didn’t want it so much it would come easily.
because opposites attract and trying to pull something to you doesn’t normally work.
but you just can’t flip a switch on your desires. you cant even want it less.
all you can do is ignore the desire.
but a little twitch in your heart will keep saying “almost, almost”
i stopped telling people i was sick.
started wearing long underwear and big sweaters
what better way to insulate the truth
to keep it inside where it couldn’t harm anyone.
i wrapped layers upon layers around my pointy elbows and jutting wrisbones
i wouldnt want to burst anyones bubble.
instead implode on myself.
slowly curl in, retracting shoulder blades, like long strips of burning paper. my ribbon arms shriveled.
yes much better kept in a safe place like my soul.
somewhere it couldn’t hurt anyone
why do boys tell me to text them? they go kiss. “bye”. and right before i close the door “text me”
and then like the next day i text them and nada. like you told me to text you dude.
to lungs uninfected.
to those who have stayed pure
chastened from from infected population.
with your morals and standards.
i could never be made to measure.
my soul keeps jumping outside myself.
to those even without morals and standards but could never be bent to the weakness of a habit.
my head is always saying two things at once and i don’t always pick the right one.
don’t ask me questions about my insides.
i dont want to know what they look like.
i feel like I’ve been in a coma
I’ve been trying to shock myself awake
been working up the nerve to drop the blow dryer in the bath tub all day.
instead i just sedate.
calm down i say.
be quiet in public.
don’t talk to strangers.
sit up straight.
i don’t like to listen.
i like to speak. say things i don’t mean sometimes.
lie if it makes a rhyme.
I’ve always had trouble with endings.
leave everything ambigious.
don’t want you to know what i really mean.
Ever accidentally throw something away and then later realize you actually needed it? Haha i did this with my life
okay forreal this time. sgd day 1: 400
skinny girl diet day1
secondmeal: hamburger bun 140
and chip chop ham 140?
day 1 skinny girl diet 400 calories
breakfast: 1 green apple
Jesus Christ last time you said you needed someone cuz you felt like you might kill yourself i payed my sister forty bucks and bought her food the next day to give me a ride to you after a fourteen hour day working in a food trailer, just so you didn’t have to be alone.
but when i need you, you’re too tired.
that would be my life, no one is there when i need them no matter how much I’ve done for them in the past. i am too sick to speak.
you know even if i don’t do it tonight. it won’t be long now. i can feel it in my bones.
my end is nigh.
as of today i quit smoking. im going to quit eating tomorrow.
eventually i plan to quit hating myself too, but i feel like that is gonna take some work.
i feel like im always waiting for people who don’t actually care enough to show up.